City Girl Blues

(align:"==>")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''Work starts at 9:00, not 9:30''//]] Every day, you wake up in the city. Your hometown, the place you came from. This place usually takes great care of the people born here, but that's never been the case for you. You ponder this and try to ignore the mental whirlwind of resentments about this that can so easily set you to spiral. You take your shower, get dressed and run like hell for the bus. You arrive just in time to make contact with the bus driver as he closes the doors and drives off. [[Continue|P2]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"==XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[(text-colour:red)[//''Concrete Jungle Wet Dream Tomato''//]] When you burst from the earth of this Island which bears a city full of flourishing peers, you reached up in search of your water and sunlight like your neighbors, those tall buildings scraping the sky around you. You wondered why you were always dry, thirsty and positioned in the shade when everyone else seemed to have a fairly attentive gardener, or two. [Cringe.]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[Don't cringe, it's easier to make it poetic. Less personal that way.] [[Continue|P3]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXX")[= (align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''Unraveling''//]] Thankfully, you're one of the lucky ones. You found friends, friendly friends, who noticed you wilting and were happy to share whatever they could to perk you up. People say friends are the family you choose for yourself. This is a great comfort for you, it feels like something you can lean on. Even when the time comes and those friends eventually move away to chase their own individual dreams, they make the time for you and you for them. You find yourself spending more and more time on the phone, and [going out]<orig| less and less. (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[living your own life] Oh man, actually, who can even feed your cat while you're out of town? Is it terribly sad to even have to ask yourself this question? [[Continue|P4]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Nice couch for a good friend''//]] With all two of your close friends having both moved out West to follow their dreams and find themselves, first Christin, then Brian, you find yourself wondering if you should have followed suit. To your delight and surprise, one day in the group chat they ask you why you don't go for it. First one, then the other letting you know that they've both got great big, comfy couches. Maybe one could be the launch pad you never had at home. Do you seize this opportunity, or do you hesitate. You've never left your city before, and doing things alone is scary. But you do everything alone now anyway, [right?]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[everything.] [[Seize the chance|P5A]] [[Hesitate to leave|P5B-1]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''Run, Forest''//]] Plans form in your mind immediately. You volunteer yourself for overtime shifts for the next three weeks and buy a one way plane ticket for a flight departing in less than 30 days. Your cherished book collection? Sold. Your unused giant shampoo bottle from Costco? Sold. Your carefully, lovingly thrifted handbags? What isn't sold is stuffed with what little they'll fit. Checking an extra bag is expensive. You haven't even decided who you'll stay with, you just know you're on your way to a new life. [[Continue|P6A]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''It's hard to leave home''//]] Unsure if you're ready, you decide to stay a little longer, save a little more. The city is cold place, but it's a cold you know how to navigate, you've got the gear. Leaving your hometown for the first time ever is a big step. Some people never do it. You just want to feel safe for now, you have time to figure it out. [[Continue|P5B-2]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"===XXXXXXX")[(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''Choose your couch''//]] You're on your last week of your two weeks notice at work. You packed everything way too early and are living out of your suitcase. The day is almost here and the group chat is getting impatient. Christin has wild anxiety, but is kind of a mess, so she isn't mad about your halfbaked timeline as a fellow flake, but she just wants to *know.* Brian has been privately, gently, but urgently trying to persuade you to stay with him and make up your mind fast. He thinks it will be a better, more stable environment at his place and is tired of having to try and make new friends already. Who is [picking you up from the airport?]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[winning the competition?] [[Stay with Christin|P7A]] [[Brian's couch is nicer|P7B-1]]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''At Christin's place''//]] Christin's house is LOUD even though she lives alone. There are hamburger wrappers stuffed between the couch cushions. Your new temporary bed. She has no schedule, her retail shifts are sporadic, she does most things on a whim and her two Terrier puppies are not trained. This is slightly terrifying, but knowing that your friend has a really fun and easy going nature, you hope for the best. Time to launch. Career options. Back to school. Shit together. You can do this. [[Continue|P8]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''Wow, Brian's couch really was nicer''//]] Brian's home is clean and orderly, it smells really good, too. That lovely smell of home cooking combined with laundry detergent. Brian is so excited you're there, though his new fiance is visibly unhappy to see you, despite the topic having been revisited to death in the weeks leading up to your arrival. There's a place for everything. Except you, technically. Let's not worry about this now, you picked the stable choice at least. [[Continue|P7B-2]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Oh, this is actually chaos''//]] It's 3:40 AM. You were just jumpscared awake by abrupt, shrill, and loud barking followed by the rhythmic jinggling of keys spinning around a finger. "Oh shit, you were sleeping, sorry! But I just had THE best night though!!" You have a job interview in just a few hours. She did the *exact same thing* last night. You don't want to think it could be on purpose. To what end? It would be one thing if this were an anomoly, but things like this happen all the time. Do you quietly adapt to the mayhem and bide your time, or speak up about your need for stability and consideration? [[Do your best to embrace the chaos. Adapt.|P9A]] [[Voice your concerns|P9B-1]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Try not to be so uptight, Negative Nancy''//]] You let the disorder wash over you. You're here by Chrisitin's good graces, you should probably just swallow your pride as you're not in any position to be able to leave yet... right? Wrong. There is no way to sustain this without stockpiling resentments. The more you swallow, the more pissy you get, the more weirdly aggressive Christin becomes. You try and set a boundary about having random guests over in the middle of the night. She informs you that she "has no capacity for your criticisms anymore." Okay. [[Continue|P10]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Am I being negative or is this unreasonable?''//]] You decide to confront Christin about the constant upheaval, you can't live like this and she needs to be more considerate of the fact that you're a whole person living here, plus you pay half the rent now. You had relied on polite requests as problems had arisen so far, but nothing is really changing. It almost feels [purposeful,]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[like sabotage,] she knew you had an interview, she knows you're studying, she knew you were on a Zoom call, and still... [[Continue|P9B-2]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"===XXXXXXX")[(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Well, here you are''//]] So, that [really didn't go as planned,]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[was a fucking catastrophe,] and now you may have one less friend in your life. They initially claimed to want to be your launch pad, but living with them has made you have to face the music. A friend can never give you what your parent was supposed to, a sense of stability. Even though it's unfair that most others get all the support you've been deprived of, getting some friendly support now it's going to save you from the world. Or save you from yourself. No one can do your work for you, no one is going to anticipate your needs. No one is going to save you. If you don't ruthelessly prioritize self preservation, you will not be preserved. You need a degree, you need a skill, and you need some new friends. [[Continue|P11]]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''CHRISTIN SCREAMED THE C-WORD, HULKED OUT, AND TRIED TO FLIP THE COUCH''//]] Well that escalated quickly. Like, really quickly. And now you're both mad. Like, really mad. Maybe you were a little harsh and maybe Christin should lay off the alcohol and Adderall. Well, at least everything is out in the open now and you gained some clarity about your own needs... and Christin's temper. [[Continue|P10]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''Finding your place''//]] Wow, uh, you didn't expect that Brian and his fiance had this many rules about his house. He always seemed fairly easy going, if not a bit Type A. You've never been close with the fiance, it's obvious to everyone that she's unhappy with the new arrangement, but she plays it cool. No laundry on Sundays, and apparently you should have been able to figure that out without having been told, being that his fiance works a regualr 9 to 5 schedule. Whoops. She also noticed that you didn't take your pizza box from last night out to the recycling this morning, and he wants you to apologize to her about it personally. Now. Make yourself at home, but messes the cat made might be blamed on you as if you're a person known to enjoy knocking things off tables. Make sure to cook and clean with witnesses around, and most importantly *don't* forget that you're a guest. They're only asking you to pay them a few hundred dollars a month anyway. It's charity. Things would be much easier without you here, don't take it personally, it's just how it is. Their relationship would be much happier, they only argue about you. This is a huge sacrifice. You should be grateful. Do you grin and bear it, or try to assert some freedom and stand up for yourself? [[Embrace the structure|P7B-3-A]] [[Challenge the routine|P7B-3-B]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Mom always said to stop being difficult''//]] You feel like a put upon guest. You landed two new jobs, neither of them start soon enough. Despite fulfilling your financial promises and living off your own savings, this is not good enough for Brian and his fiance, they want you to get a part time job at the gas stationfor three weeks until you start the new gigs. You're [kind of hurt,]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[feeling betrayed and slightly in danger,] but don't feel the right to be. This is charity, try and be grateful. Breathe it out, this won't be forever and hopefully once you get the hell out of here your friendship with your bestie can go back to normal... [[Continue|P10]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''Girl, you have the right to take up space... right?''//]] You and Brian went out for brunch, wine brunch. You were having a great time until Brian made some passive agressive comments. Something about hair on the bathroom floor, another thing about how the fiance noticed wet towels in your hamper. Enough, it's time to tell him passive agression isn't going to ever get him his way. You start to say how you feel like he and his fiance have been rude and unreasonable, but he stops you. All your problems are your own fault than you're willing to acknowledge, apparently, and maybe that's why you have no other real relationships in your life. Everyone knows that you have an attitude problem because your face says it all. It's giving ungrateful. They know you think that they're being ridiculous and they are MAD, mad about it. And now, how are you supposed to go home with him now after watching him eye you contemptuously over the rim of a wine glass? You're half a world away from anyone else you ever knew, you actually don't really know where you are, he drove. You swallow your pride, and you apologize. For anything and everything really. The more you self flagellate, the more visibly satisfied he becomes. He says he's impressed, he didn't expect that level of accountability from you. He gives you a dry "Thank you" before flagging the waitress down for the check. [[Continue|P10]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXX")[(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''It's still lonely here''//]] The days pass by without much incident. Go to work. Go home. Check the group chat obsessively. It's hard to ignore the muscle memory of picking up the phone to invite the besties over to chill. Go to work. Sleep. Repeat. Try not to think about your [Dad's new family.]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[replacements on this Earth.] You heard through the grapevine that they just moved to a new house a few blocks away from you. That's nice for them, the kids get a big back yard. Well, I guess they had a back yard at their old place too. [That's nice.]<origi| (click:?origi)+(replace:?origi)[It's not that you're unhappy that they're living it a good life, but it's hard not to wonder why your family has decided that they can have one, but you can't. You slept on a couch for the first 14 years of your lifeuntil you moved to the foster home.] [[Continue|P5B-3]] ]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:red)[//''Life happens fast''//]] The group chat was lit up today! There were laughs, there were cries, you guys ran the gamut of emotions today. Brian got engaged AND landed a job at his stepdad's company- in the same day! But wait, there's more. Christin finally broke up with her toxic boyfriend today! Five Years of weird mind games finally come to an end, her 20s will officially not be wasted and she can't wait to date around, though she's an emotional wreck. She always finds a silver lining, you love her so much. [[Continue|P5B-4]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXX")[(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:orange)[//''Girl, are you sure?''//]] You bask in the warm glow of your friends joy, and happily give all the [support]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[emotional labor] you've got in you to support them through their sorrows and fears. This feels like family. While you're focused on them, you suddenly become conscious of it. When will it happen for me? When can I have something of my own to focus on? Sensing your vibe is off, Brian asks why you just deflated and you clue them in on this sudden realization. Once again your friends ask, what are you waiting for? How can anything new happen for you if you're too afraid of change to go find it? [[Decide to take them up on their offers, and move out West|P5B-5-B]] [[Stay in the city|P5B-5-A]] ]

(align:"<==")+(box:"==XXX")[=[(text-colour:yellow)[//''That 30 Rock episode where Liz is afraid to choke to death alone in her apartment''//]] You're not brave enough to go, but the more you try to cling to the safety of familiarity, the more you realize there's nothing to cling to. Mom moved to Pennsylvania and took your little sister with her, not that you want to be anywhere near her anyway. Grandma moved to Texas because her misogynist husband told her to. Your Dad's new kids aren't allowed to know your [name.]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[that you even exist.] Everyday on your way to work, you pass the one bedroom apartment you and your single teen Mom grew up in, alone. The city becomes more expensive every day. The professional competition is fierce, and the propect of you being able to go back to school and get a real career in this place seems next impossible. You are tired, and sick of having to lug your laundry on the bus to the laundromat. You don't even know anyone that would be willling to give you a ride if you wanted to ask. You're going to die here, and they probably won't find your body until it starts to smell. You buy a plane ticket and open the group chat to send the screenshot. [[Congratulations|P6A]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''You're going to be the villian in at least one person's story''//]] Determined to build your future, you enroll in school. You go on dates. You put your menial labor job second, you put appeasing others third. You start visualizing a new life [for yourself.]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[alone, again.] You are not a second class citizen. Radio silence from the group chat. [[Continue|P12]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:lime)[//''Two steps forward, and all that''//]] Everyday you face small victories and minor set backs, yet you forge ahead. You try to care less. It occurs to you that you never realized how much you care before, about everything. You can't care about everything all the time. While your friend is [cordial]<orig| (click:?orig)+(replace:?orig)[passive agressive] when you pass one another in the hall, they are also unhappy that you set a boundary with them. //''Do not talk to me like that.''// You can't care about everything, though. It hurts to say that out loud. The sunsets are so beautiful out West. [[Continue|P13]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:lime)[//''Letting go''//]] Facing the painful truth that some relationships hold you down but also hold you back, you begin the process of releasing the past. You need to move out. [[Continue|P14]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:cyan)[//''The truth hurts''//]] One too many boundaries. One too many spite moves. One too many unreasonable expectations. One too many people talking about you behind your back. One too many people on the couch. If the frienship is going to survive, it's not going to happen like this. You find a room to rent. You move your stuff out by yourself. You mute the group chat, but no one had anything to say anyway. You stood up for yourself even though it made you feel like a monster. [[Continue|P15]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:cyan)[//''YOLO, solo''//]] You think about who you've been and who you want to be. You think about *their* idea of you. You get mad. You're not beholden to anyone, there's nothing keeping you in the box anyone has put you in, and you won't prove them right. You will live in authenticity. You'll try to keep to The Four Agreements. If you do the right thing and try your best, you are confident that you'll end up in the right place. [[Continue|P16]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"===XXXXXXX")[(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:blue)[//''Wheels, meet road''//]] Nose to the grindstone, as each item is crossed off your to do list you find yourself feeling a little bit better. You're noticing as you go, who the critical, self limiting voices in your head actually belong to, and the distance you must now maintain becomes less painful. [Interviews?]<v1| (click:?v1)[ Nailed.] [College credits?]<v2| (click:?v2)[ Piling up.] [Self esteem?]<v3| (click:?v3)[ Finially.] It's not that everything is perfect now. It's not that your friends were even holding you back completely. It's that you've learning how to get your own attention, and it may sound corny, but it's much more fulfilling than having someone else's. [[Continue|P17]] ]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:navy)[//''The future is yours''//]] Your independence blossoms into a promising future, a testament to your resillience, and you're proud of that. [[Continue|P18]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:purple)[//''You can do hard things''//]] Looking back, you see how every choice, every heartbreak, and every small triumph has shaped you into who you are today. [Look at you]<vary|(click:?vary)[, a person who can do things.] [[Continue|P19]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:magenta)[//''Ever since...''//]] It was lonely for a while, but your life is unrecognizable now. Free from the weight of past expectations and naysayers, you now stride forward with hope and hard won strength. After becoming more aware of your needs, you've formed new healthier relationships with kinder people. Your professional, social, and love lives are thriving. You miss your old friends, but please remember, the relationship dynamics were unsustainable and you tried your best. You did it. I'm sorry it was so hard to get here, but I'm proud of you kiddo. [The End.]<v1|(click:?v1)+(replace:?v1)[This is only just the beginning.]

(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXX")[= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(text-colour:yellow)[//''Pork Chop Sandwiches! OSGTFOH! ''//]] You know what, what's even here for you? What are you even waiting for? What on the West coast could be really that much worse than things are here anyway? Think about it, you're surviving right now at a total disadvantage in one of the most cut-throat, competitive places in the world. You realize that being so afraid is exhausting, and in an act of rebellion against yourself you buy your ticket. Time to sell your stuff, and step into your uncertain but hopeful future. You made up your mind and more determined to make something of yourself than ever. There's not much to leave behind away. Screw it. [[Continue|P6A]]